


slackjaw

by guide_to_the_galaxy



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherhood, Brotherly Bonding, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Self-Sacrifice, but he wont, raph is a self sacrificing child and needs to stop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-06 18:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16838503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guide_to_the_galaxy/pseuds/guide_to_the_galaxy
Summary: Raph's sure of his purpose before he's even got a good grasp on life itself. He knows what he's here for. And sometimes being the biggest has it's perks- when he can block the hits, take the worst of it the blows and the brunt of the pain. He'd do it again and again, and nothing could stop that.But Donnie. He'll try to anyway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> heyo! this was a gift fic for my friend, and awesome artist, sassatello who blesses me with beautiful, brotherly raph and don art all the time. I just feel like, seeing Raph in rottmnt, that's he's unapologetically protective of his brothers and the way this show just...portrays that is fantastic so- enjoy!

Raph gets his first crack in his shell at eight. Call it a rite of passage into a new form of childhood or just bad timing- the way Mikey fell and the way Raph dove to catch him, crashing into the concrete- but he doesn’t really care after it’s all said and done, bandaged up and sitting in front of the projector screen with his brothers and Pops. **  
**

Mikey snuggles up close to him, calls him _beautiful_ and _his hero_ a couple hundred times before passing out from too much candy.

And Raph takes that to heart.

* * *

None of them really thought there could ever be something greater than _them;_ narcissism wasn’t really it but their egos were high and they felt content as just five. They were enough, Raph felt, and so the revelation of a whole society filled with _others_. It was strange. Left a peculiar feeling in Raph.

He was _comfortable_ with it just being them, and now it wasn’t, and that made a war in Raph, wanting to _drown_ in this, in all the best ways, or feeling bitterly disconnected.

He’s got people he’s gotta look out for, and rushing in one too many times lead to disaster, and maybe this disaster is just too high of a risk.

So when they’re in that underground city, and some mutant, big- bigger than Raph- pushes Leo against a wall and almost throws a punch, for god only knows _what,_ Raph’s there, something hardened and fierce in him, his fear somehow buried beneath it.

He gets his shoulder dislocated.

* * *

_“Red one-” Pops takes a cloth and lets Donnie bite into it, and Raph can’t take his eyes off the dent in his brother’s shell, “You are fortunate to have your size. You must protect your brothers well. It is a gift.”_

_“You have done well, despite this damage, coming to me so quick.”_

_Raph glances over to the mirror hanging in his father’s room, seeing his own reflection, and eyeing it keenly._

_He’s eleven. He’s growing. He should’ve been a bit smarter, should’ve known that wrestling was a freakin’ stupid idea- with Dee anyway, and without his prototype shell._

_And Donnie won’t blame them, just feel really, really sucky about it. And Raph’ll tell him he’s not weak, that they all have strengths._

_Raph’s, he figures- knows now, locked a sealed in his heart- is his power and his size._

_He should take the hits._

_Donnie, holding back tears, will tell him to shut up._

__

* * *

“You’re not allowed to do that,” says Donnie, after they’re home and safe, deep in cushions, under blankets and a few mugs of hot chocolate down.

Glancing over at his brother from the couch, Raph tries to laugh, and it comes out a bit choked around the fringes, and it makes Donnie feel wrong.

“I _know-”_ he sighs, stuffing popcorn in his mouth, “-dumb team building idea. I just-”

“No, idiot,” Donnie mutters without anything bitter, something quietly affectionate in its place. “You’re not allowed to do _that-”_ he nods to his head, still nursing a bruise or two, and the chip on his shell, _“-e-ver.”_

There’s nothing doubtful in the way Donnie holds his stare a few seconds longer than he should; no doubt that _he means this-_ he means it more than Raph can say he understands.

Still, it’s a familiar feeling. Raph’s just about broken down from fear one too many times over his family, in the heat of battle or on really, really cold nights and close calls.

But this is _Donnie-_ and he shouldn’t have to share Raphael’s worries, least of all when they’re concerning Raph himself.

So he shrugs it off, biting a wince when his shoulder pops, and laughs.

“That? Nah, Dee, c'mon.”

_God he hopes he sounds believable._

“It was nothin’, I was cryin’ over a stupid _ball,”_ he half lies, careful of Mikey asleep across him. “Honest. ‘M just glad Mikey wasn’t hit- close call y’know…”

Donnie’s got that look about him, dull and really, really knowing in a way Raph kinda hates sometimes. Like he sees right through Raph.

(maybe that was the power of them and what they had)

So Raph can’t really hide now, not with his overly keen younger brother staring him down.

“Usually when you say ‘c'mon’, and _‘yeah’_ and ‘honest!’ all in one, long sentence you’re nine times out of ten _lying,_ so…” Dee says with a soft smile, no bite, no accusation- eyes tired.

Because nothing prepares them for _this-_ for the sting of what comes with battle. They can laugh and jest through fights, act like they’re untouchable and invincible and come back unaffected but, sometimes, it’s scary as _hell._

__

* * *

Raph takes more hits. Breaks his promise without really ever meaning to, and tries to avoid Donnie’s eyes every time his brother wraps whatever battle scars he’s got.

He remembers what Pops said, all the time now, in the heat of a fight, and on instinct, like second nature, he gets between his brothers and danger.

“You’ve got grit,” says a foot soldier, sneering in his face as he pushes a throwing star into Raph’s plastron; his brain switches uneasy between the pain and trying to find where he tossed Donnie- _if he’s okay._

He throws a punch and gets to his feet, gets moving.

Donnie doesn’t talk to him for three days.

* * *

Donnie gets over it, muttering a _mornin’_ to Raph as he shuffles into the kitchen. But he doesn’t _look_ at Raph. Dee’s always been that way, he’s so capable of exploding, of manically combusting at the small little fractures in his plans but-

Raph knows his little brother, and when Donnie is hurt- like really hurt, in that soft, squishy place, there’s little show for it; he hurts quietly.

So Raph stops making sandwiches, and turns to him fully.

“I know you hate me,” he mumbles, instead of all the things he _wants_ to say, and plops onto the stool that was getting too small for him now, “but just here me out-”

“No…”

_“Donnie-”_

“Hell. _No.”_ Donnie uses That Voice, the one he reserves for fights, the one that has a lot of shit pent up in it, and points his otherworldly futuristic _bo_ against Raph’s plastron, “You. Don’t get to pull this one on me, Raph mkay? See it may work on Mikey and, gee maybe Leo too but you don’t get to weaponize your puppy dog fucking _eyes_ and ask me to forget our _deal.”_

He doesn’t lower his _bo_ , and Raph expects that- _gets that-_ but.

“Don, hey, hey. _Listen-”_ he tries swatting his brother’s weapon down, and Donnie places it right back against the newest scar, from four nights ago, his face screwed tense and, _god,_ he looks like he’s gonna freaking cry, and Raph can’t take that.

So he goes on instinct, like he’s been so dependent on for a long, long time (no real training and three brothers did that, actually), and he snags Dee by the back of his neck and brings him in- and Donnie staggers forward, caught off guard- until their foreheads touch.

Raph keeps his eyes closed, and he’s sure Donnie’s flicker wildly for a moment.

“I’m _sorry._ Y’-hear me? I am- cross my heart,” Raph says, holding Donnie close and tight. “But…we. As- as a team, we got our own things. You, you got ya big…brain and Leo’s- shit, he’s just _good_ and Mikey’s _quick-_ and…insanely adorable. But me?”

He laughs, and feels Donnie shake, still caught.

“Me…I dunno. I’m big. An’ I can take hits I never. _Want_ you guys to take. It’s my job, y'know, so-” he loosens his grip, hand falling to Don’s shoulder as he lifts his head and finds Dee’s wide eyes on him. “Don’t expect me ta not do it. Please, bro…don’t.”

Silence, a quiet that aches, lapses over the two, the toaster dinging and some far-off sound of Leo and Mikey playing Mario Kart 8.

For a second, for a few seconds, Raph thinks it’s over, that Donnie’ll push him away and lock himself in his lab for a few _years._ But he doesn’t. Just kinda smiles, smally, and shakes his head.

“It’s not just your job,” he says hoarsely, and with a soft punch to Raph’s chest, Donnie picks up his _bo_ and turns, walking out the kitchen.

* * *

Raph leaps off a building. His tears are burning into his face as the wind whips at him, and blurs his vision of Leo falling not far below him.

He sends an apology to the universe, to Donnie, if he winds up dead, if he can’t save Leo. But he told Dee he had _one job,_ and he’ll kill and die and do it a thousand times over.

A thousand and one.

He goes up in brilliant red _flames_ it seems.

He can’t even breathe from _relief_ \- or a broken rib- when they hit the truck.

Donnie will kill him later; Raph will take whatever consequence, because he made a promise, as his battle scars show, and he loves his brothers endlessly.

He hopes Donnie’ll learn to forgive.


	2. time after time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Raph deals with some aftermaths of 'The Time Leo Fell Off A Building', and April is always, marvelously there to hold him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eee I kinda decided to turn this into a three part thingy where raph eventually smooths things over with Donnie while simultaneously realizing that being a hero isn't as easy as it looks so...this one is especially for my bud gabi who wanted to see more April and Raph so. I tried!

He caught Leo. At the very end of it all, mind not processing anything at all  _ besides his brother-  _ Raph caught Leo.

And Leo- he  _ laughed.  _ Said a breathless kind of  _ thank you  _ and made his peace with falling from stories and stories above the car they crashed onto, dusting himself off and wrapping himself up in a blanket with his pajamas on, playing Smash Bros with Mikey. 

Like it was normal. 

It...wasn't though. And Raph can't help but sit a little dumbfounded, several days later- through dinner where he felt barely there, and at April's where he could barely laugh at 13 Going on 30 even though it was his  _ favorite.  _ He's going through motions and can't really get  _ out  _ of it. 

But he says it's no big deal like a champ. Pretends it barely crosses his mind at all.

He's terrified of tall buildings and the ledges, and jumping across them. 

* * *

“Tell me  _ why  _ we're taking the street to April's place again, Raph?” Donnie says without looking back at his brother, buried in his hoodie.

“I dunno,” says Raph, balancing Mikey on his shoulders, “Change'a scenery, easy on the joints. Spices it up.” 

It’s only a partial lie; Raph’s tired and roof jumping with his brother on his back takes focus and energy he doesn’t have, and taking the same routes night after night got monotonous as hell, and Raph really, really hopes that’s the beginning and end of Donnie’s questions. Because Dee’s more observant than he should be, worries more than he lets on, and he always just  _ knows.  _

And it’s actually unfair how much his brother knows.

Donnie decides to be merciful though, and shrugs, tuning in to whatever Leo’s talking about instead of all the things he could say to make Raph spill. But he looks over his shoulder, enough for Raph to know this isn’t over, really. Donnie just knows when to pull his punches and play his cards and now’s not the time. 

Raph just hopes there'll never  _ be _ a time. He can talk his brothers out of their shit for hours, and say some pretty well-thought-out, well-meant, inspiring stuff. Because that's another part of his job, and, really not  _ just  _ because of that either; they're his younger brothers and he's supposed to have them like that.

And maybe it was stupid, but a huge part of Raphael believes this isn't interchangeable.

* * *

Sometime between arriving at April's and warming up tostito rolls in her microwave, Raph blanks out. Not in the red, hot, fiery way he does in a fight...he just goes on autopilot for fifteen minutes, mumbles a hello to Mayhem as he goes through April’s cabinets again, smiling softly to himself at his brothers and April’s terrible attempt at a rap battle from her room down the hall. 

He feels dumb; he shouldn’t isolate himself like this, raiding the O’neil’s kitchen for bologna and bread and feeling like shit instead of being in there with them and  _ not  _ feeling this way. But there’s still something in Raphael he can’t shake, and it makes him feel small, and  _ hurt.  _

Because he knew they were the good guys- for whatever that meant- and that, with it, meant there had to be bad guys. Raph knew this and it was fine. He had his brothers and a kickass sister to fend off whatever the weird, mutated depths of New York brought but-

He’s not used to losing- not in the way that leaves a sting like this. 

But that was miles from him now, and so Raph feels like maybe he should just leave it there. Even if it’s hard as hell to do that right now.

And just as he makes an attempt to gather himself together again, April’s walking into the kitchen, breathless from laughter and beaming such a contagious, bright kind of energy as she snorts, letting her body rest against the wall, telling him he’s got to hear Leo’s rap. 

“It doesn’t even _ rhyme,”  _ she wheezes, and loud enough that Leo yells something back, muffled and in mid-laugh from a bit further down the hall. 

And Raph smiles-

“Cool. I’ll be there in like a sec…”

-laughs really quiet and ghost-like and hates that he does that, when he should be doubling over right along with his family instead of feeling shitty without validation- not as far as he’s concerned because things that  _ happened weeks ago _ and could have  _ so  _ been worse shouldn’t really be the catalysts for shittiness. 

It’s stupid.  _ So  _ stupid but- April’s not. Which is one of the many, many, boundless, limitless, endless reasons the kept her around. She’s  _ smart. _ In a vastly different way than Donnie is, and understands their feels like she’s known them forever. Like she’s always known. 

So she stops leaning against the wall, pushes off from it slowly and puts a gentle and small hand on Raph’s arm. Her eyes do that thing, the narrowing when she’s picking him apart. It’s weird and Raphael can’t really look away. 

“You okay?”

Raph flashes a smile, and scrunches his brow ridge so that, maybe, she could look like the crazy one instead of him. 

Again,  _ April is not stupid.  _

“Bruh, rap battles are your fave. I know you- and I  _ know  _ that  _ you  _ know  _ that we all know _ you’re, like, the king of rap battles,” she says, poking at his arm. 

Raph shrugs, shaking his head as he turns to take the tostito rolls out the microwave. 

“‘S nothin. I- I’m just-” he laughs and shakes his head again,  _ “I  _ don’t wanna ruin the fun aight- with...my baggage. It’s  _ cool.  _ I’m  _ chill.” _

April clucks her tongue, “Uh-huh."

And folding her arms, she twists her lips, “And when have we  _ ever _ been that kinda family?”

There’s really no way out of this. Out of April’s pointed stare and folded arms and twisted lips. It’s a death trap and not one Raph thinks he can really get out of and so he shrugs, again, trying to avoid her eyes.

April hits his arm again,  _ “ _ Stop! You’re being dumb, and not because’a whatever’s got you messed up right now. Dumb because _ you wont just tell me!” _

And because April is incredible and resilient and also, alternatively, awful sometimes, she keeps poking Raph over and over till he starts chuckling, something a little more genuine and deep in it, shoving her away.

_ “Sta-hap _ ...I ain’t gonna...crap all over rap battle/epic tostitos night with this. Trust me it’s no big-”

April yanks opens the fridge, pulling out the bologna and tosses it to him. 

“Eat the whole thing if you need- only my dad likes it. But just...when you’re  _ ready,”  _ she says, before leaving the kitchen, “”M here Red.”

She stares at him solid for a few seconds, eyes locking with his to make sure he’s got it and that he’s convinced and okay, before heading down the hall to their brothers. 

Belatedly, after she’s long gone, Raph nods, head hanging, as he bites into the bologna.

* * *

He doesn’t ever really talk about it with April, just gets into a very intense rap battle with Mikey- who wins- and finishes off the O’neil’s bologna.

He keeps avoiding Donnie, and even more so Leo- and keeps to himself, doing calming exercises with Pops on late Saturday mornings when he should be watching Netflix with his brothers. It takes the edge off of what he’s got pent up, even if it’s just small pieces of the edge and not all of it entirely. 

It’s enough to let Raph chill, and it’s enough that he feels more than comfortable beside his father in the quiet of the dojo. 

“I been havin’ nightmares…” Raph says out of the silence, and for a bit Splinter says nothing, only long and heavy breaths coming from him, and Raph just goes back to breathing, thinking his dad was either too invested in his meditations or not really in the mood for talking. Or both. 

But Splinter makes a hum deep that seems to come from his chest; in the darkness, with his eyes closed, Raph can almost feel that.

“About the fall?” his father asks, because he knows already. Probably did the minute Raph first asked to meditate and was probably waiting for a moment like this; Pops was funny and strangely cool like that sometimes, just letting them sort of maneuver their ways through some things first and having all the foreknowledge and wisdom about whenever they actually get to admitting their feels outside of their headspaces. 

Raph sighs, not opening his eyes just yet, but hanging his head, “What if I couldn’t do the power up thingy that I did? It was a stupid plan, Pops- ta just...jump after ‘im like that-”

“But it worked-”

“And I... _ totally  _ underestimated Draxum. He’s like a major level...nine-ish bad guy. ‘Said the bugs or Leo an’ I...I dunno I didn’t- could neva even imagine that…”

Splinter moves beside him, Raph can feel from the way his dad’s robe grazes his skin, and a moment later, Splinter’s paws grab his hand, as tiny as they were compared to Raph’s. 

“You are growing, Red,” he starts, simply, “And you and your brothers- you will come across many who aim to hurt you. Many level nine-ish.”

They both laugh, feeling each other shake a little with it. “It is why I feel you are safer here. But you have insisted on being who you are and for that I am...proud. You have gone this far,” he says, patting Raph’s knee, “It is as Blue says: I did not raise a bitch.”

Raph snorts as Splinter brushes his cheek tenderly, “I raised a strong boy. Who will make a strong man- and you are strong to show how you feel. To show fear is  _ great  _ strength, Red.”

And Raph has to restrain himself from throwing his arms around his dad, mostly because he’d probably end up crushing him and...that would be pretty bad but- he also feels like crying. Which is equally as bad and sucky. 

“”M not…” he croaks, “I don’t think...think I’m ready f’...for  _ that-  _ again, Pop.”

Splinter seems to consider it, taking a deep breath as he does, “Then we must get you ready.”

* * *

“Pops called ya didn’t he?” Raph says from the bench on the basketball court, high above the street, at the top of April’s apartment building.

She makes a few baskets, the chain from the hoop swaying as her ball drops back to the court. And Raph loves April O’neil to literal  _ pieces,  _ but she was a snitch just like his dad was- they were practically gossip buds since April started junior high- and a terrible liar about it. Not that it was really all that bad of a thing, just...a sibling thing. She’s got their backs and maybe Raph’s especially right now and he really, really appreciates her for it.

Endlessly, really. 

April dribbles a little, stopping just beside him, and plops on the bench.

“That obvious, huh?” She grins, in the kinda way that Raph can’t be mad at for a minute. 

“Well, I mean ya coulda given my ‘in the shower meltdown’ a few minutes to air out before ya sent a text but...yeah. Pretty obvious.” 

“Hmph.”

_ “Yeah…” _

And Raph doesn’t say anything, and April doesn’t either. She just throws an arm around him, as far as it could go, and slouches on the bench. It starts to drizzle, but they just sit, unbothered or too lazy to move.

“Just sayin’,” April eventually says, resting her head on Raph’s shoulder, “You looked pretty badass turning into, like, a big, red fire energy thingy. You have  _ got  _ to show me that move.”

“Please don’t think about jumpin’ off this building so I could turn into a big, red, fire energy thingy,” Raph says blanky, staring up at the rolling clouds, only looking away to nudge April a little, “Plus you didn’t even see it so- probably wasn't even as cool as you-”

“It was on Twitter,” April snorts, displaying the blurry, thirty second clip somebody took from the street.

“Ah shit.” 

April cackles, replaying it a few dozen times until Raph’s audible groaning is louder than the rumbling thunder beyond them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh raph... anyway i just love raph so much in rottmnt like he's such a wonderful kid. he protec and he's sweet and wants to make his family and everyone he meets just feel good ugh we stan!

**Author's Note:**

> yeahhh i love raph. and i hope y'all liked this! also because I have 0 shame, check out my new and first time multichap fic Life and Her Lemons!


End file.
